aaaand I love you. It’s official. We’re getting married at 25. yay :)

California bound.

Little does everyone know…

I’m not coming back.

You are so damn good to me.

I feel strangely happy…

You are no longer just filling the void.

You are what will create the space.

You are saying all the right things, making all the right moves. You are so sweet and perfect. “I want to show you off to the world,” you said. Completely sober, completely serious. You are broken, and I am just the perfect girl to fix you. We complete each other’s needs. I need to feel appreciated and wanted for once, and you need to feel like you aren’t a piece of shit, and like someone loves you.

My bed smells like you. I will miss your body and your warmth tonight. I will miss you staring at me while I sleep and that look in your eye every time you know we are about to have sex. I won’t have to wait long to see you again, thank goodness.

But as sweet and as amazing as you are…I hate to say this….you are just filling the space he left.CHRISTOPHER.I’m not done with him, and you don’t know it yet. You don’t know that every time I kiss you, for a split second I wish it was him. You don’t know that every time you fall asleep, I stay up and text him. You don’t know that every morning I wake up and roll over and see you, and think of him. You don’t know that the reason I miss you so much and cling to you every second you are here is because I’m over compensating for him not being here.

He started calling me babe….we can’t be together, but he continues to string me along. It’s my fault though… I keep letting it happen. There’s no doubt he cares about me, and wants me every bit as much as I want him, but we both know…distance takes a toll on hearts. Neither of us are ready for that yet.

Trevor, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I won’t be able to give you that whole part of me until he is out of the picture. I’m sorry you are the sweetest, most caring and appreciative guy I’ve ever met and my dumb ass won’t give it all to you. As many times as I’ve been hurt, I never listen to myself. I just keep going back for another beating….but maybe. Maybe this time I’ll finally go out of my comfort zone and go for you. Go for the guy who is chasing me for once…the question is…could I stay faithful?

I know it ain’t easy giving up your heart.

Take a chance on me, like I’m taking a chance on you.

Taking a chance that you won’t be like every other douchebag that’s led me on.

Taking a chance that I will be worth the distance, and the temporary loneliness.

What do you say to taking chances?

For being honest.

For knowing exactly what I was worried about, and reassuring me everything will be ok.

For making a solid committment.

For laying everything out plain and simple and not playing games.

For telling me everything you feel as soon as you feel it.

For treating me the best I’ve ever been treated by someone who isn’t my boyfriend yet.

For wanting to get to know me and be friends with me first before jumping into anything.

For bringing out the best in me, and taking the time to talk to me instead of assuming I was just being dramatic.

Saturday was a shit show….but I’m glad everything happened because it forced us to talk about everything and it turned out 10X better than what I thought.

Your friends love me, your family loves me, it’s just a matter of time until you do too…I know you know it…and I love that you admit it. You’re amazing…this is going to be one hell of a ride.

I’m thinking it’s time to be happy again.

Leave the past in the past.

Forget everything that hurts, and embrace everything that feels good now.

I’m looking for something new now…looking to experiment. This is a feeling I’ve never had the freedom or the courage to experience.

New body…new drugs…new men…new people. It’s going to happen.

I’m going to stop being so scared of everything.

I’m sort of done being so logical and put together all the time. I want to be emotional and cry and scream and love and be crazy.

I WANNA BE HIGH….so I will.

I’m winning.
It’s happening.
I’m not going to be let down this time.
I’ve been fucked over so many times that I have nothing to lose anymore.
You’re dangerous, but I’m not scared of you because you know I’m dangerous too.
Friday I’m going to take you places you’ve never been before, and you’ll see that I’m the type of girl that will make you fall in love with the world.
….and then we can both be happy.

I need you to show me I’m worth it, and you need me to show you there’s more to love than what you’ve had.

We’re perfect, so let’s do it.

DANCE.

Feels like a night for a party, by nature, so naughty.

He’s finally coming to visit. Can’t wait until he gets here and I get to see that sexy smile, feel his arms around me and make fun of his stupid tattoos.

YES.

Shaking, sweaty, laughing for no reason.

Skyping me for three hours, inviting me on a trip to eastern washington just me and you, buying tickets to a show when you were drunk because you wanted to see me three weekends in a row, trying molly for the first time with me….

You’re saying and doing all of the right things, all at the right pace. I STILL DON’T BELIEVE A WORD THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

I want to, and I’m trying to…but you are just too good to be true darlin.

You’re too much to handle, and everything I want all at the same time. How can I resist you. You’re so dangerous, but it seems like you’re worth the risk.

I hate sounding like a pathetic broken record….”blah blah this guys amazing blah blah. He’s different blah blah” such bullshit….I’m pretty much just banking on the fact that one of these times it’ll be true and then I can forget about all the other desperate attempts at finding a guy.

Crossing my fingers. Yay for online pity parties.